Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in brwnsugalala's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009
11:09 pm	Married Life Is not really that different from cohabitation. Ha. It is strange how things change all the time, but marriage didn't seem to change much for me. Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
8:16 pm	HOORAY I got a job, I got a job, I got a job Hey Hey Hey Hey! Exciting... Current Mood: cheerful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
12:40 pm	wow, good times.... great times... *orgasm* I can feel you escaping... Leaving through my tiny pores, squeezing yourself out, and taking bits of me with you. You are slowly rising off my skin and floating away in the air, weightless and free. I can feel myself falling into the need to engage in a deep, sweet sleep. My body aches with every movement, yet sleep never comes. My brain in constant battle with my body, and my brain is winning the fight. Closing my eyes serves as no escape from the pictures, no the memories.... the pieces of everyone I have ever met... They haunt and distract me from my slumber. Why can't I see all this everyday? Feel like this. This could be my "norm." It's too dull for me now. I want the euphoric waves washing over my limp body. Feeling sheer ecstasy, the happiness just slowly drowning me, but this is the sweetest feeling I could ever experience. I would drown in this everyday if I could. It is like my blanket, caressing every part of my body, every little crevice, even the tiny hair standing straight up, my fingernails, every square inch of my skin. The slightest touch from anything excites me and I just want to run my hands all over my body. Just to feel like this. I am completely uninhibited... Now I just can't take the waiting... Anticipating... Expecting that a great slumber is coming soon. But it never does. These words keep me awake and must be spoken. My brain just doesn't want to take a break. I need the feeling again! Why can't I have it again? My body is jello and I'm melting. Liqueifying as I sit here, wondering why when I close my eyes sleep never decides to come. I just think about how anything that I come in contact with feels so wonderful. Driving me crazy, but unfortunately that feeling is fleeting as is my happiness. I would bottle it all up if I could, keeping it in my coat pocket and save it for one of those rainy days. The rainy days where the water just trickles down my soft skin, tickling me every centimeter is creeps down. Dancing on my tongue after staring up at the sky, and all I feel is this great tingling sensation, Keep it all bottled up to shake up this drab life of mine, And to think I almost didn't experience this, never would have know to appreciate all the little things, and just the mere fact that skin feels incredible. What I would give to feel that way all over again... If I were to repeat that moment in my life everyday I would be that happiest person alive. If everyone just felt this way there would be no problems in the world. We would all just get pure satisfaction out of everything. Current Mood: artistic Current Music: wicker park soundtrack (Comment on this)
Friday, February 4th, 2005
11:16 pm	Sofia Dahlink ComicGIRL 7 6 [11:14 PM]: "ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn'tve fallen in love with?" BabyGirl954 [11:14 PM]: yes ComicGIRL 7 6 [11:14 PM]: ah, stupidity ComicGIRL 7 6 [11:14 PM]: haha, this is fun ComicGIRL 7 6 [11:14 PM]: i'm making a guy guess if i still have a crush on him or not BabyGirl954 [11:14 PM]: hahaha that's always fun BabyGirl954 [11:14 PM]: I always lead them to believe I do BabyGirl954 [11:15 PM]: And I don't ComicGIRL 7 6 [11:15 PM]: aww, that's mean BabyGirl954 [11:15 PM]: I'm a mean person ComicGIRL 7 6 [11:15 PM]: yes, and that's why i love you ComicGIRL 7 6 [11:15 PM]: i'm a sucker for punishment BabyGirl954 [11:15 PM]: and it's only cause they make it so easy.. it's like rape... they ask for it ComicGIRL 7 6 [11:15 PM]: omg ComicGIRL 7 6 [11:15 PM]: you evil perosn BabyGirl954 [11:15 PM]: hell yeah ComicGIRL 7 6 [11:15 PM]: i should tell my brother to watch out for you BabyGirl954 [11:16 PM]: I'm blogging this Current Mood: bored Current Music: Bebe Gilberto (Comment on this)
Monday, January 31st, 2005
5:06 pm	Tip: place yourself accordingly Ah, noticed something today during class... the more I see something the more I ... well I guess.... want it. For my first two classes I had a bottle of juice in my bag (out of plain sight) and I didn't touch it or have the urge to drink it at all. But, for my third class I had it on the edge of my desk and in a matter of minutes half of it was gone! Now what parallels can I draw from this? I think that a lot of people (including myself) fool themselves into believing they need to be with someone else because that is what they see. Daily we are bombarded with images supplied by the media and our own personal experience (walking around the area that you live in) and we constantly see couples wherever we go. We can't escape them at home because they live in the movies/shows we watch and magazines/books we read... And we link happiness to this. Since we see this, we think we want the same. Along with all the material objects that appeal to us. I think the fact that I surround myself with pictures reminding myself of what I have makes me want to have it more so than normal. But, since I've had no contact for a while I was doing fine. Functioning perfectly... until that phone call. WTF? then I'm back... stuck in the constant search for my better half. Then what I also see that since all this "stuff" that is supposed to enrich your life pollutes our thoughts and then we are driven to spend.. to get these at any cost. If I didn't have to pay for all this crap, I would quit my job! This is not a way to live. There is barely any time to enjoy ANYTHING! I struggle through work (that I dislike very much now) and for what? To pay for this god forsaken leash (cell phone), gas, and car insurance (so I can get to work)... I was walking to one of my classes today and saw 26 people on their cell phones. 26! In like 5 minutes of walking... that's 5.2 people per minute of walking. Insane. We are so dependent on these fn tihngs! (Myself included) because I will drive back home to get it if I somehow forget this newly made appendage.. I mean how do you forget something attached to you at home? It's ridiculous! And God, how sad are we to always try to not look like we are alone. We are pathetic people. Everyone I know has a cell phone, and the one person who didn't recently succumbed to the dark side. *sidebar- Why doesn't anyone want me to shave my head? It's my head! And I don't care if I look like a "bull dike" which has been pointed out. And, that it would be unattractive. Then I'd have no unwanted suitors... no suitors at all I'm sure!- Since we are on the topic of guys... Am I really the aggressor? That was pointed out to my attention... something I never noticed. (like as is being the one to get everything out there, make it known I like them) I don't really see how that classifies me as an aggressor (not my words mind you). But, I can see what he was getting at. In my past "relationships" I was always the one to voice how I felt (usually right away)... "Hey, I like you!" Not that dorky mind you... but in some cases that'd be almost ver batim... I wonder what would have happened if I never said anything. People say I'm just "lucky" because I "get" guys. Crazy talk.. It's more than that. I work for it, so don't take that away from me, I am usually the pursuer vs. the one being pursued. So, you whiny people who are discrediting my realtionships (if you can call some of them that)... get off your asses and make it happen for yourself! I mean it's not rocket science. You meet people... engage in a conversation... etc etc. Sofia- we should rule the world together. With our anger (not anger per se, just "passion") we could squash all the stupid people in it! Remember that head popping game?... Like where we would squish peoples head with our index finger and thumb? I would do that so much right now if I wouldn't look like a complete psycho! Wow, all this randomness from a (now finished) bottle of kiwi-strawberry snapple! Heaven forbid if someone gives me mango juice one day! Current Mood: drained Current Music: Phantom of the Opera (original cast) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 29th, 2005
1:29 pm	That's it I'm done Morgan was right for the umpteenth time... He called and woke me up today. The only person who can get away with that, or actually wake me up by his ring tone. The second I heard the first few notes I shot up in bed... I bitched at him for waking me up and he said I needed to get up anyway.. but I went to bed at 6!! Of course he asked why.. I threw a surprise party for a friend... And I am never doing that shit again. I was so stressed out and it sucked. But, got better... then went to hell again cause she just spent the whole FUCKING NIGHT crying. She does this every time, and this time it got me so heated I wanted to punch her. I never usually get to that point. I think I have like 5 times in my life. I just wanted to punch her, or anything nearby. So, as I'm telling him all this...he just asked me the simplest of questions "Why are you still friends with her?" I hate that he was right last time around when he said I couldn't save her and that I should let it go. Damn I hate that... And he has witnessed one of these crying fits before. It was no fun for either of us, but hey he helped me out and slept next to me. *sigh* (way long ago) I need to stop reminiscing but every time he calls I can't help it. Whenever I'm with another guy I just can't seem to stop thinking about him. But, yeah people suck when they don't realize they are not alone in their problems, and god forbid anyone else have any. Fuck, I know so many other people who have had it so much worse and it's ridiculous to even think of like small problems like that. Or at least to me it's ridiculous... I just don't understand, and maybe this is the heartless bitch inside me coming out to play, but GROW UP. You have no idea who you are, if you did you wouldn't be so insecure, or cry half as much as you do. And, you don't need to be a baby to get attention, frankly that's just annoying, and I will not put up with it anymore. For once I'm going to listen to Morgan, who thinks that I need better friends... (and Matt who says)If I'm not growing and learning from the situation there is no point in putting myself through that. If nothing good comes from it, then why? Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: Steely Dan (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
5:51 pm	Loneliness: "if it doesn't kill you it will be the making of you"- The Bread givers It is so weird how I'm evolving. Before I couldn't stand the thought of being alone ever! Whether I was driving somewhere, walking to class, or just running errands I couldn't be by myself. I went out of my way to seek people to be with. I mean it was sad. And, I guess having a boyfriend fed my fix for a while, but even without a steady guy in my life I managed to surround myself with people. And, I noticed that us all starting to change (or at least that's what I think... recapping on last semester and guesstimating about the next one). Last semester there was very little human contact in my classes. I was pretty quiet and just paid attention and tried to get by... And, now it is intensifying because at least last semester I would walk with people to and from class, and now I have cut that out completely. I seldom look up while walking around the campus and avoid eye contact for the most part. I have been spending more time on my own, when previously I could never stand that. I needed to be around people. Why is it that I am so accepting of this new found loneliness? I lie to get out of going places/ seeing people...to be by myself. Maybe I really am becoming a hermit (yay for paul)! Or is it just that I am ridding myself of extraneous people/ things/ habits? Also, how would I be if I grew up in another culture? Would I still be this version of me? Probably not, and that saddens me. Either way...I'm glad this is who I am now, and I'd probably like the other me as well! If only I could meet myself, what I would have been if I went to public school for elementary, or continued on in private school through college.... Would I be evil, or a good guy? Am I evil or good now? All thoughts that will probably keep me up til 5 am again tonight. God I hate that no sleeping thing. It sucks (but at least I don't have school tomorrow) Current Mood: geeky (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 25th, 2005
5:26 pm	why is it that... I am constantly in search of the "one." Everyday I have this quest, and why is that? Why am I in search of someone to complete me? To spend my life with.... I mean I have planned out my wedding by already choosing my wedding dress (which will definitely be "mermaid" style, with either capped sleeves or belled ones) the bridesmaid dresses, the flowers, music (which I might have to alter since I'll probably have to compromise, you know men...), and already planned out my half of the guestlist. But, why do I already have this on my mind (ever since I was sixteen). Is it something hard-wired into me, is it innate? Or is it due to the influence of society? What causes me to plan out this life, that I have to SHARE with someone else. I mean I have even chosen baby names. The layout for my house is already set (living room: theater-esque, painted all black with black funrniture, and running lights on the ground, with movie posters that have spotlights on them; kitchen/dining room: european/victorian style, using a lot of wood pieces; bedroom: jungle themed with painted mural and dark green bedsheets, along with a canopy (resembling a mosquito net- but a "pretty" one); guestroom: will have a whimsical/ fairy/ fantasy feel to it; and the bathroom will be an underwater theme, also having a painted mural and to add to it have a painted sky above; backyard: will be asian inspired with a koi pond, rice paper laterns and a rock garden. And throughout this whole process of planningthere is always someone in the picture (although the face is blank, he remains in my thoughts). Is this something learned? What programmed me to do this? I can't seem to kick the habit no matter how hard I try, and even when my life is full of other distractions. Planning all this for the future isn't my weakness, romance is... Since I can't seem to see what I want to do with my career, or plan it out at all, but I can always see myself romantically involved and getting married. I am so focused on being with someone to make my life complete. I fit right into the female steroetype: wanting to have someone to depend on and wanting a family (even though I really don't want kids). I am conned into thinking that I need to depend on society by how things are presented to me. I am just following through with my gender role... Needing to be needed and needed tot be protected. I am supposed to be this way to be normal, and I definitely follow it; I succumb to this learned calling, and live it everyday. What wo9uld become of me if I started thinking in terms of one (just me) instead of two? I think I would go insane. Everyday U seek out potential "mates" who will be there for me, and often come up empty handed. Should I take this as a sign? What's the first step to letting go? Or should I embrace this for being a part of me (whether it's biological or culturally based)... Should I take that risk (a masculine tihng to do) and move away, to potentially get hurt again... But the reward wouldbe worth it. That was one time in my life that I was truly happy. Yes, I am content now with the way things are, but they could always be better. I mean I can't seem to find that again with anyone. And, I'VE TRIED... It just doesn't seem to work for me. No one else works. I can't see myself with anyone else I've dated. Or at least can't see anything long term. SO how do I overcome this feeling to go back, to run away from anything new? Why have I been "programmed" to need someone, to need him... I just don't understand. DOWN with SOCIETY! (hahaha). GO AGAINST the NORM! (If only I could). I love sociology, but what kind of job could I get with sociology as my major? I love studying people in society and the effects society has (but I hate dealing with people... I just like watching them). Current Mood: anxious (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 6th, 2005
12:59 pm	Dream... weird.. ha Well, alright it started out in an amusement park. So I'm on this rollercoaster and my friend didn't get on in time, so she tries to jump on board (bad idea) and she falls... but the guy running the rollercoaster jumps out and parachutes down to "Save her" yet doesn't, but she lands on her feet so it's all good. So, once again we attempt to ride the rollercoaster (which is missing part of the tracks) and so the rollercoater cars have to jump to the other track. (My aunt is sitting a few seats in front of me, hitting on a younger man) and then we're done with the theme park so I go home (which seems to be in San Francisco) to take a shower. And, my cousin (Marlynne) for some odd reason seems to be accompanying me to the shower. So, there I am taking a shower with tinted glass, and her friend sitting on the couch in the other room, so she's blocking... (So he can't see? I don't know why... I suppose that's why.) Shvae and do all that girlie stuff (but I'm prepping for my tattoo, since it's goingto be below the belt) So I get out of the shower and then walk outside, and suddenly I'm overlooking the city and go to a bar with my cousin Raquel... And she takes her daughter (who looks strikingly like Willie's kid) and spends 17 dollars on drinks. We leave and I'm on a mission to get a tattoo, but suddenly I'm in Sea Ranch (in bodega) overlooking the ocean and my family has made lunch. I don't know how it suddenly became daytime, since SF was night... (So this dream has already been two days, Amusment Park=Day, SF=Night, and Sea Ranch=Day) And then all of a sudden I saw whales surfacing and jumping out of the water... There were like 5 of them and they were just playing around and such. SO I grapped my phone, which has a camera, and snapped some lovely pictures before sunset. But, Sophie and I decided to investigate the waters... so we took ourselves out onto the water, and we're just chillin' waiting for the whales to come back and eat us... Suddenly there is this line of red in the water (which we called the "Circle of Red") And the Circle of Red is a sign (like an omen) from the sea life that a message is coming. All of a sudden this surf board pops out of no where. It hits me but doesn't do any serious damage, and on the surf board it has a message for Ruby (which I find odd). It says to like meet at the waters edge the following night. SO sophie and I bolt of course and head back to warn Ruby, and all of a sudden Morgan grabs me, and he's soaking wet and covered in sand. Looking a little winded and such. And comes to tell me about how he was pulling all those tricks in the ocean. "Wait, so what are you doing this?" I said. "Oh , well my friends and I are going to kidnap her and just mess with her a bit" "So all that stuff out there was you?" "Yeah, I was right next to you" he said. "Even the whales? That was you?" "Yep" "Weird" "Yeah, I'm just awesome like that... But don't tell her okay?" "I won't" And there was a little kiss... (aw *sigh* why must it have been a dream?) And then, sophie and I went on our quest for tattoos again and it was awesome, I think I'll get the dream tattoo in real life... (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 25th, 2004
3:37 pm	Dedicated to potential loves All the things that go unsaid... Constantly torment me in my head... This mist that looms around my being and I can't seem to be rid of it. Everything blends, and nothing changes. All this not knowing and always guessing. Just tell me what you're thinking! I'm sick of always being worried, why can't things be like they used to be? Simple! Life was lovely when it was less complex. Let's not blame it on growing up because that is surely a lie. We're all still stuck in a five year old mentality. Wanting to be loved and having that favorite toy. I just want to know what you're thinking. Hoping I'm not alone in feeling this way. But my thoughts are always clouded by doubt and worry. It's all I seem to do; leaving me lifeless, always drained. Whya can't you just say what you're thinking?! Just tell me how you feel! How is it that it became so difficult for you to say? Why must I speak of my emotions, just to have them fall flatly into the air. Falling one foot ahead of me, laying right by my feet. You give life to the silence that follows. Do you even feel anything? I hate your "I don't care" attitude. You make me feel as if anything I have felt or could potentially feel is worthless. It seems like I have to feel for both of us and I hate it being so one sided! Caring has become a burden, taxing my health with all these doubts. Can you remember a time when you told me how you felt, if you ever felt anything at all? When did this all start? Not feeling.... I'm waiting for the day I will know for sure... that all these feelings were not felt in vain. That maybe someday you'll be the one to open my heart to a whole new world of emotions. To finally not be alone. To have someone to hold me tight. To understand my emotions without the need to vocalize them. Why can't you be that? You could be that!! If only you'd just tell me what you think, and how you feel You could spark something inside of me, bring me to life... Just, please... Tell me! Current Mood: confused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:40 am	haha christmas... If I could be dead right now I think I'd choose that... I mean yay for presents and all, but I feel sad. Sad, that maybe I'll never be able to open up to anyone again. Sad that I have lost it all. Sad that I'm running in circles and can't seem to stop myself. The never ending cycle. Why can't it stop... How is it that I can live like this? I'm alone... and unhappy, and no matter what I believe that is how it will stay. I just am disheartened by the fact that no one really knows me. I don't let them know me, and it's sad. How am I supposed to live in this world based on "human conncection" when I can't even connect... I just want someone to know me, and not in the damn shakespearean crappy way.. I think I've had enough of that. I don't need anyone to "know me" like that anymore. I need to work on letting people in, but I thought I already did enough of that... didn't I? maybe I'm crazy. but oh well.. I miss a lot of things right now, having someone there for me is one of those things... And, unfortunately I don't think I have anyone. I mean there are people that I consider friends, but still I feel hella alone. Current Mood: uncomfortable (Comment on this)